benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
