Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
