My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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