Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
