I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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