yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
