Small penises have feelings too.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
