Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
