im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
