I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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