My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
