i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
