Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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