He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
