i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
