Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I pour the whiskey from now on
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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