How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
