I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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