who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
