the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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