the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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