Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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