Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
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you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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