recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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