last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
