i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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