Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
