So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
