Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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