peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
