you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts