fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
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Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?