I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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