you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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