Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
