Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
