dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
