my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
