Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
my poor anus
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am available for nakedness
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
