fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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