i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
