as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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