I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
