I am midnight drunk by noon
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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