My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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