Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
