I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
