even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize