The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
