i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
