We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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