I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
