i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
