i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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